Growing up I felt unworthy of any boy’s attention. Despite the fact that I was usually someone’s chosen “mommy” in our childhood games of “house”. I always had a crush that I would be too shy to even talk to. Oh, I had plenty of guy friends, but the moment I thought of any of them as potential love interests I would clam up and be too nervous to be around them.
As I got older and had a “best friend” who fed off negative energy (you know – the emotional vampire. I’m sure everyone knows at least one. They aren’t as sexy and charming as Edward from Twilight. No sparkles here!) these feelings of self doubt did not go away but grew. Amazing what the spoken word can do to someone. Being told that you are not worthy everyday, and you deem yourself not worthy.
If I had a crush and told my friend she would respond in one of two ways. Either “Oh he likes me not you. Can’t you see it?” or if the crush showed an ounce of interest in me “He’s just going to use you for sex!”
I put up with this for more than a decade, despite my family’s urging me to stay away from this vampire. Finally, after a fight over work with her mom and my mom I broke off this relationship for good. Good riddance to bad rubbish!
Quite amazingly my confidence began to grow. I now saw myself as beautiful, smart and worthy of whatever I wanted out of life.
I blame my friendship with this girl and my subsequent low self-esteem for the fact that I was left with very few friends. I was lonely.
It hadn’t initially occurred to me to use a dating website but upon looking for activities online that might help me meet people I stumbled upon Plenty of Fish. It’s free so I gave it a whirl.
I met a guy almost right away. A few actually but I thought I might want to weed out the biker looking dude (although he might have been a better choice).
I sound shallow, but I lowered my standards in the looks department and decided Mr. Rock was a good choice and agreed to meet him in person. He seemed smart, funny, kind and he liked cats. He was undecided about kids.
We dated for almost a year when I finally let myself see the truth. Mr. Rock was bad in bed. Mr. Rock never introduced me as his girlfriend. Never introduced me to his mom (though I met his dad by coincidence). Though he had a cat that passed away just before we met, he did not want another. And most daunting for me Mr. Rock did not want a wife or child! I think he just liked having a younger (by ten years) woman in his bed even if he didn’t seem to brag about it. I dumped him.
And strange as it may sound dumping him gave me a huge confidence boost. I don’t have to put up with what I don’t want!
I did feel a little guilty that I wasn’t that upset about the break-up. I asked my mom if she thought it was okay if I went back on the dating site. She said if I felt ready I should go for it. And I did.
I went back reassuring myself that being married and a mom would be nice but wouldn’t be imperative to a happy life for me. I could enjoy being the crazy cat lady and have as many cats as I want!! I think knowing this and truly feeling this way in my heart lead me to meeting the man of my dreams.
Within about a week we met for our first date. It sounds cheesy, most especially to you dear readers, but we both agree it was love at first site. I was hesitant for a short while that something bad would happen. That one day I would realize he wasn’t who he pretended to be. But thankfully, I worried for nothing. I learned that we are a lot alike. What you see is what you get. No mind games.
We’ve been together for almost four years. Married for a year and a half with a beautiful (handsome) healthy baby boy. And we have four cats. (After telling Hubby the story of Mr. Rock he now refers to us happily as the crazy cat couple).
I used to get depressed around this time of year. I thought I would never find someone to share my life with. My mom always reassured me “For every Jill there’s a Jack”.
This year I have it all. I feel so blessed. It’s a wonderful (life) year! A family of my own!
